How reality got fuzzy for this queer

Posted on December 15, 2011

5


I have been denying that I’m gay and that gay is ok since I was 10 years old.

I was reflecting today on how my parents used to worry about the large amount of science fiction and fantasy that I read because fundamentalist Christians told them on the radio and in magazines that it would lead me to witchcraft/satanism/drugs. I think my dad always voice more of a fear that it would disconnect me from reality. However, I can remember the exact moment where reality became harder for me to acknowledge.

We were coming back home from a trip late one night and my brother and I were fighting in the back of the car. He pulled out one of those tiny Swiss army knives and showed me the blade. He wasn’t serious, but was simply looking for a response. He got more than he expected when I started yelling and mom and dad got involved. The whole situation was blown out of proportion as we were sat down in the kitchen and drilled for the truth.

See, my brother clicked the blade back into place and claimed that he had just shown it to me without taking the blade out. Whether or not that mattered is still unclear to me, but basically my dad took my brother to a different room to interogate him while my mom tried to make me feel guilty by saying, “Your brother is over there getting spanked because you lied.” Instead of asking for the ruth, she insinuated the lie to see how hard I would deny it. After a half hour fo her feeding my this lie, I started to loose my grip on reality. I could no longer remember, for sure, if I had seen the blade or not. I knew I hadn’t lied to get my brother into trouble, and I was sure that he had pulled the blade out, but my memory of the event actually began to change.

Then my dad came out to the kitchen and told my mom that my brother had admitted the truth. She stopped psychologically torturing me, but didn’t apologize for calling me a liar. Ever since that moment, when someone contradicts what I know is real, I have had a hard time maintaining the authenticity of my views. I’ve even questioned whether or not I’m really gay, or if something is just wrong with me psychologically. I’ve questioned whether I have tried hard enough to change my orientation, and whether I could make a straight marriage work in spite of my orientation.

I guess what I was realizing today is that my parents were very ignorant of what shakes reality for people. It isn’t books that change our reality, it is our parents. My parents still think that being gay is a sin, and I think that I have finally broken their hold over me, because I have felt so free being me.

To others out there who fear that you can’t be a gay Christian because of what your parents say, or even if it is just because the majority say it: remember that truth isn’t made by a democracy, it is something that just is. You have to discover it for yourself, don’t let a dictator tell you what to believe.

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Posted in: Theology