Abuse… from those who know, and those who don’t

Posted on August 18, 2011

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So I haven’t really told any of my family yet about the huge change I’ve had. It was only in May that I sorta looked into gay theology and found way more depth than I expected (I admit that I was a really fundamentalist conservative Christian who looked with suspicion upon all them “liberals”).

Anyways, I’ve been stressing out. My parents have only known I was gay for six years. At first they would ask me every few months “how things were going.” I got tired of that really fast. “No, my sexuality hasn’t changed since last week. I’ve been wanting it to change for years, and don’t you think I’d tell you if I suddenly realized I was turning straight?” Urgh!

I’m glad that I broke the ice with some Christian friends that I trusted first. I just spent this past weekend with my sister. I talked her into watching an episode of The Glee Project with me (it turned out to be 5 episodes :). Basically she hurt me a lot with the way she talked about Alex Newell, the show’s gay contestant. I’ve always known my sister was a little homophobic, which is ironic because she was totally my fag hag growing up. I hate that phrase -fag hag- it sounds gross, I’d rather just say she was my best friend. I felt like we had a little of that back when we were watching the show- which made it all the more painful for me when she talked about how “weird” and “gross” the scenes were with Alex and the other guys. She felt so bad for the guys who had to play opposite of him, and said it must be sooo hard. (They play gay for a few minutes/hours- they should try being one of us and playing straight for 20 years!)

 

I had a similar occurence at work last week where my manager, who  know I’m gay, had and ordeal with a customer who was a selfish drunk. He also happened to be gay, and tried to use his minority status as a weapon in his argument with her. She was not impressed. I was really suprised when she used the word “faggot.” She kept repeating his statements and generally just deriding him. I felt less offended by her words,  but that’s probably because she was more upset at him for being drunk and mistreating her instead of being straight up homophobic.

Ahh the memories of terror. It really takes me back to my highschool days where I lived in constant fear of being found out. I don’t really care anymore, at least not about people in general (family and church are still scary). I ended up arguing for gay marriage with one of the other managers last night. He wasn’t against gay people being together, but he’s sort of anti-government/taxes/benefits.

 

I guess my point is that the ugliest words out of some random person’s mouth can  never hurt me like the slight disgust of a close friend. How do I make her see how natural it is, and how beautiful?

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